Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Surviving the Idiots in The Suburbs

     This is a topic near and dear to my heart. I am absolutely surrounded by idiots. I'm in an Idiot Rich Environment (IRE if you will). Why is this a problem you ask? Idiots are generally harmless. Well....you know how beer makes anything better; if the foods good, beer makes it great. If you're pissed off, a beer will make you mellow. If you're hot and tired, beer makes you feel better. Conversely, no matter how bad things are....idiots make them worse. No matter where you are, what time of day or night it is, or what the weather is, there will be an idiot around you. Surviving the idiots on a daily basis is an ordeal.     

     Idiots put in stressful situations become Super Idiots. For example, on the Appalachian Trail I saw an idiot pour all of his water out.
The conversation went like this - me: "Why are you pouring water out in the middle of the trail for everyone else to step on?"
Idiot: "It's heavy, I'm tired of carrying it."
Me: "Where are you going to get more water?"
Idiot: "I have more in the car, I'm only about 5 miles from the parking lot."
Me: "There's water closer if you can treat it"
Idiot: "I'm ok, the water in the car is bottled so I don't have to carry anything else."

  These are the kinds of idiots who leave their cars in the road obstructing traffic while they call AAA to fix a flat tire, or stand three deep in a doorway and have a conversation while others try to move around them. They're worse than Sheeple (Sheep people for the newbs). Generally sheeple have two modes; Graze and Stampede.....but idiots have a third mode: Obstruct. They have an uncanny ability to get in the way of anything productive and stand there. Just stand there....doing something completely unrelated.
    
     The question is....how do we avoid and thereby survive idiots in our midst? We learn to identify traits of idiocy from a distance, and simply go another direction.  Easily identifiable traits of idiocy include, but are not limited to:
     People who are so self absorbed they fail to realize there is a line behind them, and they are the reason there is a line.
     People who are so unaware of their surroundings that they sit in plain view and pick their noses.
     People who will wait until a hurricane is within 2 hours of making landfall to go out and get supplies.
     People who think they can protect their family from a threat by "calling 9-1-1".
     The list goes on and on....please feel free to submit Traits of Idiocy to me either in the comments section or by e-mail. I'll post them as they come in.

    I think you'll find that idiots tend to congregate in certain areas. Avoiding these idiot rich areas is a good start to avoiding idiots in general, especially in a crisis. This post was written sort of tongue in cheek....sort of.

     I'm not an expert, and I don't play one on the Internet. Please feel free to comment and make suggestions. As always, thank you for reading.

3 comments:

  1. My Idiot Identifying Pet Peeve = people who don't know where they're going and simply stop on stairs or in a doorway. They could move over and figure it out, but instead they just stop!

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  2. I've found many an Idiot at the end of escalators. Maybe you've seen them, too. They get off the escalator, take two steps, and stop and wonder where they will go next. They aren't worried that the people behind them, me, don't have any choice but to keep coming and will run into them. But when that happens they get indignant and upset.

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  3. I guess people who spend their time not only obsessing about stupidity but also writing about it.

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